Justice for Gabby Petito

The feels are up with this full moon in Pisces. Down in the deep waters of wisdom whew, let’s dive through the memories of my mind shall we? This is a vulnerable, personal share and it appears in my mind to only desire to stop and remember the good memories, but let’s discuss the darker stuff I don’t normally speak of...

As Gabby Peitio, a friend’s goddaughter’s remains were found today, I couldn’t help but think of all the women and men who are in the midst of psychological wars, emotional battles, and even potentially being physically abused by their partners.

Over the weekend, a friend forwarded an update and with it, it said, “I can't tell you how lucky I feel you are, that you got away before something exploded. This happens to lots of women every year”.

I did a double take.

I write this to bring you the reminder I needed: love doesn’t fight, battle, hurt, manipulate, kill, hate or rage. Love transforms all of that. That’s the kind of love you each deserve. That’s the love I’m holding out for.

So often it's asked, why do you stay?

Here’s why I stayed way too long in my most recent relationship:

You stay because you love them.

You think they will change.

You think they will get better.

You think things will get better between you two.

You tell yourself you’ve invested so much time, money, and for goodness sake your heart, the most precious, sacred gift you can offer someone.

You stay because you have many common interests which are (in this day and age) around the 1%.

And you truly believe your love is enough for the both of you.

You share your innermost secrets, bare yourself fully-- figuratively and literally. And in return you get pebbles and emotionless deflection. You’re told you need too much (yet you know your truth). You're fed words with no action. Flowers come and then flowers stop showing up. You find yourself having to ask your man for sex and the excuses for not wanting to have sex with you keep piling up even when they are apparently a “highly sexual being” and a teacher of sex? Things just don’t seem to add up. You are living in the code red, danger zone. You find yourself walking on eggshells. Not knowing when they might get triggered and rage. You deal with their manipulation. Their hasty mood swings. You deal with their gaslighting.

You are incredibly disrespected, yet you put up with it.

You take all the blame.

You absorb their negativity like a sponge.

And yet you’d cover for them, you’d oversee all their shortcomings because you love them: the fact that they don’t have a substantial job, income, a home, etc. You’ve been charmed by their wisdom, you see the light of their soul and you see such potential.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this, let it be. You cannot fall in love with potential. Your love isn’t enough for the both of you. Before long, you barely recognize yourself as a radically anxious-love type. The drug needin’ love-type --one more hit please! Pretty soon, your identity is banishing and you’re feeling terribly insecure and yet you just keep giving and giving and giving yourself until you are absolutely spent and there’s absolutely nothing left to give. Nothing left to say.

And the mask falls away…

And then you cry, and you cry and you cry for all your love that was one-sided to come back to you. You sage everything. You cut cords, you burn cords and then you do it again for all the times you broke up and got back together. And it hurts so deep in the chest area like betrayal because well, you betrayed you. You held gooey boundaries. You ignored your intuition. You shrank yourself so small so they could exist in your presence. You realize you created all of this so that you could heal it. So that you could get ten times closer to what you do want. Now your eyes are wide open and you won’t be fooled again.

And yes, I’m lucky. I’m lucky to be free of this person, but so many women and even men aren't.

So from this I hope you know you are not alone. Maybe it’s a right of passage. Sure, it’s my karma and it’s tragically Gabby’s. Let's do more than talk about mental health and wellbeing. Let’s get people help if they need it. Let’s help men process emotions.

Men, if you are emotionally unavailable because of whatever your pain is, do not get into a relationship with a woman. Do not manipulate an empathic, god-fearing woman for your benefits. Do the work. Sit with yourself. Heal yourself. Please don’t take it to another woman thinking she is going to mother you, coddle you and transform your pain.

And women who see these beautiful men, let’s not enable them. Let’s stand in our power and love them without giving our entireness to them. Let’s each come fully present with our own love cup overflowing to lift and inspire one another. Let’s treat each other like the gold that we are. Let’s treat each other like love and hold each other to our Higher Self. #JusticeForGabby